As I sit, staring at the screen, I wonder where I should start. I could start from the beginning and rehash everything—all the dirty little details of our lives together. But who needs all that? The truth is very simple; I fell in love with the wrong man. We’ve all been there at one time or another but in my case, you happened to have been my first love, my first real experience with…well…everything. You were my first kiss, my first boyfriend…my first (cough) sexual (cough, cough) experience. Because you were my first, you made your mark throughout many of my relationships over many years. But I digress…
I’ve thought a lot about you over the years, whether I’ve wanted to or not. Sometimes I find myself drifting back to those years and trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. I always end up in the same spot, however; with that piece that I can’t quite figure out. That piece is always the “why”. Why did you do the worst to me? Why was I never enough for you to love? There is no doubt what affects these have had on my life—the scars you have left behind. After so many years, I think it’s time to put those affects into words and say what needs to be said.
Whenever I think about our many years together, my stomach starts to recoil. It clenches and I feel slightly dizzy. I may even throw up a little bit in my mouth. It’s really just an involuntarily reaction to the memory of you. The pain that I felt at your hand, is what I imagine hell to be like. That fiery pit that people pray against on their death beds, is nothing compared to the searing heat of the hell you put me through. When I think about it, I would probably rather have a hot iron stuck underneath my finger nails. It’s not so much the cold and calculated lies you told, but the feeling of betrayal that lays against my heart like a tumor.
Your actions throughout our relationship were small stab wounds that eventually murdered any future we could have had together. Every time you told me you loved me, felt like the hot stench of garbage in the heat. It was soiled. There are no words for the stench of those hot words against my ear. I’m stuck with it, however, and I will forever have to live with what was done. Knowing that the one person I trusted completely, betrayed me in ways that forever marred the trust that I now place in others. For many years, I wondered how I would ever be able to place my trust in another’s hands again.
Through knowing you, I have learned a lot about myself, relationships, and love. When I fall in love, I have this nasty habit of allowing my entire world to revolve around that man. I was no different when I fell in love with you. When you came into my life, I had no idea what it meant to love another person or how loving someone like you would change me completely. You were my first love and maybe, that alone, is reason enough to be irrevocably changed by you. I didn’t even know I wanted you until it was too late. I was completely enraptured by all that you were and all that you promised me, before I really knew you. You won me over with your sharp wit, infectious need for adventures, and those deep brown eyes I could get lost in every single day. It all just seemed too good to be true—and I guess it was.
The more I think about it, I was not prepared to be involved with you. You had so much more experience than I did. I should have found out who I was, as a person, before I allowed you or anyone to enter my life in a romantic way. Being young and in love can be a foolish enterprise. What I should have realized, at the time, was that you were not ready or even capable of loving someone selflessly.
I should have told you, then, what I’m telling you now; but the truth of the matter, is that it hurt too much. The sting of that pain is long gone and these days I rarely even think about you. The idea that I once loved you is so foreign to me now, but the memory of the times we spent together is etched into my skin like a wrinkle.
I held on to you too long. I should have let you go and realized I could never change you, no matter how much I loved you. Since then, I have learned that I can only change myself and the situations I put myself in.
By no means am I a perfect person. In fact, I am probably the most flawed person I know. After years of reflection; I can see now, why you would cheat on me. I expected you to be a man, when others didn`t; was it really your fault that girls flocked to the same blonde curls that I once did? How were you expected to be loyal when there were girls who craved the danger you brought into their lives. They were enthralled with the idea of being a groupie to your dreams of being a famous DJ. The girl who saw things that I didn’t, as she scrawled out diary entries of that cute boy she met, who was going to take her to stardom with him even though your methods of getting there were all criminal, instead of through the hard work that normally brings on great success.
Where these girls saw beauty and excitement, I saw chaos and cruelty. Instead of letting me go to meet someone I deserved, you remained a ghost in my life far longer than justified. I was looking for a partner, while you were looking for someone to keep the sheets warm until you returned.
I don’t hate you anymore. If anything, the memory of you makes me sad. I don’t believe, even today, you have found a person you love enough to be true to. I should thank you, because without you, I’ve met some pretty extraordinary men. I have thrived and flourished without you in my life. You remain mediocre, while I shine under the love of good men.
I’ve survived you.