To The One Who Wounded Me…

As I sit, staring at the screen, I wonder where I should start. I could start from the beginning and rehash everything—all the dirty little details of our lives together. But who needs all that? The truth is very simple; I fell in love with the wrong man. We’ve all been there at one time or another but in my case, you happened to have been my first love, my first real experience with…well…everything. You were my first kiss, my first boyfriend…my first (cough) sexual (cough, cough) experience. Because you were my first, you made your mark throughout many of my relationships over many years. But I digress…

I’ve thought a lot about you over the years, whether I’ve wanted to or not. Sometimes I find myself drifting back to those years and trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. I always end up in the same spot, however; with that piece that I can’t quite figure out. That piece is always the “why”. Why did you do the worst to me? Why was I never enough for you to love? There is no doubt what affects these have had on my life—the scars you have left behind. After so many years, I think it’s time to put those affects into words and say what needs to be said.

Whenever I think about our many years together, my stomach starts to recoil. It clenches and I feel slightly dizzy. I may even throw up a little bit in my mouth. It’s really just an involuntarily reaction to the memory of you. The pain that I felt at your hand, is what I imagine hell to be like. That fiery pit that people pray against on their death beds, is nothing compared to the searing heat of the hell you put me through. When I think about it, I would probably rather have a hot iron stuck underneath my finger nails. It’s not so much the cold and calculated lies you told, but the feeling of betrayal that lays against my heart like a tumor.

Your actions throughout our relationship were small stab wounds that eventually murdered any future we could have had together. Every time you told me you loved me, felt like the hot stench of garbage in the heat. It was soiled. There are no words for the stench of those hot words against my ear. I’m stuck with it, however, and I will forever have to live with what was done. Knowing that the one person I trusted completely, betrayed me in ways that forever marred the trust that I now place in others. For many years, I wondered how I would ever be able to place my trust in another’s hands again.

Through knowing you, I have learned a lot about myself, relationships, and love. When I fall in love, I have this nasty habit of allowing my entire world to revolve around that man. I was no different when I fell in love with you. When you came into my life, I had no idea what it meant to love another person or how loving someone like you would change me completely. You were my first love and maybe, that alone, is reason enough to be irrevocably changed by you. I didn’t even know I wanted you until it was too late.  I was completely enraptured by all that you were and all that you promised me, before I really knew you. You won me over with your sharp wit, infectious need for adventures, and those deep brown eyes I could get lost in every single day.  It all just seemed too good to be true—and I guess it was.

The more I think about it, I was not prepared to be involved with you.  You had so much more experience than I did. I should have found out who I was, as a person, before I allowed you or anyone to enter my life in a romantic way. Being young and in love can be a foolish enterprise. What I should have realized, at the time, was that you were not ready or even capable of loving someone selflessly.

I should have told you, then, what I’m telling you now; but the truth of the matter, is that it hurt too much. The sting of that pain is long gone and these days I rarely even think about you. The idea that I once loved you is so foreign to me now, but the memory of the times we spent together is etched into my skin like a wrinkle.

I held on to you too long.  I should have let you go and realized I could never change you, no matter how much I loved you. Since then, I have learned that I can only change myself and the situations I put myself in.

By no means am I a perfect person. In fact, I am probably the most flawed person I know. After years of reflection; I can see now, why you would cheat on me. I expected you to be a man, when others didn`t; was it really your fault that girls flocked to the same blonde curls that I once did? How were you expected to be loyal when there were girls who craved the danger you brought into their lives. They were enthralled with the idea of being a groupie to your dreams of being a famous DJ. The girl who saw things that I didn’t, as she scrawled out diary entries of that cute boy she met, who was going to take her to stardom with him even though your methods of getting there were all criminal, instead of through the hard work that normally brings on great success.

Where these girls saw beauty and excitement, I saw chaos and cruelty. Instead of letting me go to meet someone I deserved, you remained a ghost in my life far longer than justified. I was looking for a partner, while you were looking for someone to keep the sheets warm until you returned.

I don’t hate you anymore. If anything, the memory of you makes me sad. I don’t believe, even today, you have found a person you love enough to be true to. I should thank you, because without you, I’ve met some pretty extraordinary men. I have thrived and flourished without you in my life. You remain mediocre, while I shine under the love of good men.

I’ve survived you.






Tomorrow Isn’t Promised, So Live Out Your Dreams Today

In lieu of the things going on in the world today, I would like to share something personal with you. As most of my readers know, I’m a dreamer. I believe that we have all been put on this earth to live life to the fullest and without regrets. “Work to live, not live to work.” Everyone dreams, whether be large scale or small. We all have things we would like to accomplish in life. Most of us, however, get so bogged down with life that we find years will go by before we realize we somehow missed doing all the things we wanted to do.

For those of you not familiar with the movie, The Bucket List, it’s about two older men; one of which who has found out he’s about to die and decides to get on a motorcycle with his buddy to fulfil his “bucket list” before the end of his life. One Week, another movie with the same theme, has Dawson’s Creek alum, Joshua Jackson, heading out across the country on a motorcycle after a diagnosis of cancer. Leaving his family and fiancé behind, in search of finding out who he really is, and what he’s made of; willing to live out his last days alone just to discover why he let life pass him by. After travelling, almost dying in a motorcycle accident and truly “living”, he returns home to find out the cancer was a misdiagnoses.

No one should have to wait until the end of their lives to live the life they’ve always wanted. Why wait until life has passed you by to fulfil your dreams in a panic? I’ve had a scratchy bucket list for a few years, now, and have been slowly working through it. As I check things off my list, sometimes I add new passions, as my need to experience all things life has to offer is insatiable. As you read through the twisted things that get my blood going, I implore you to create your own bucket list and have fun ticking off the ones you complete. But don’t stop there. Keep adding to the list! Live life on your own terms with no exceptions, and chose a life that sets you apart from the average. My own list has some things I’ve completed and others I haven’t.

My goal is to complete my list by the time I’m 40. My hope is that you take my list and use it as an example for yourself. And hey, if you have any suggestions in helping me complete my own list, I’d love to hear about it.

Bucket List                                                                                 Completed

1. Skydiving-free fall

2. Gun license-fire a hand gun                                                    √

3. Compete in a kickboxing fight, because you don’t get more badass than that

4. Take an airbrushing course
5. Get Pilot’s License                                                                        √

6. Travel to the East Coast and experience seafood the way it was meant to be experienced

7. Write a book                                                                                   √

8. Visit Ireland, Paris, and Thailand

9. Walk the red carpet-any red carpet. (But I intend on wearing a smoking hot dress by a designer whose name I can’t pronounce, accompanied by my best friend)

10. Learn how to cook a dish from the movie Chocolate, like roast turkey with chocolate sauce

11. Learn how to play Galway Girl on guitar

12. Take a dance class; not ballroom, but something exciting like Salsa

13. Get a six-pack                                                       Almost there…… 🙂

14. Write a best selling novel….not too hard right?

We Need To Stop Telling little Girls “That Just Means He Likes You!”

Recently, I was called to my daughter’s school, due to an incident involving her and another student. While on the playground, my daughter was pushed by a boy in her class. My attendance was necessary, because the boy had pushed hard enough to cause her to fall down and incur injuries. This same boy also likes to kick and punch, depending on his mood of the day. When picking my daughter up, I met with one of the school yard monitors who told my daughter that the boy pushed her because, “he likes you.”

To say that I looked at her with shock would be an understatement. Instinctively, I was outraged and as I stared blankly at the woman I wondered, “Are people still saying that?” It brought me back to when I was a little girl on the playground in front of my home, when a boy had thrown a rock as big as his fist at my face. He split my lip. I’m pretty sure that incident, alone, is what has made me question boys’ motives. My mother, however, was steaming mad. When she confronted the boy’s mother, she was met with the same menial response, “That just means he likes her.” I didn’t understand it then, no more than I do now. That little snot was just lucky that I had noodles for arms back then because all I wanted to do was blacken his eyes.

So now, having a daughter of my own and seeing the same level of confusion on her face that I felt as a child, I know that I am not going to let things slide. I don’t want her growing up with the message that when boys are mean to her, it means they like her. The last thing I want her to believe is that guys who are douchebags are worthy of her attention. It’s messed up, that we as parents, are teaching young girls to believe that if a boy cares about you he may be an ass from time to time. We explain these things away like it’s normal, when it’s not. It’s no wonder why girls are growing up to be women who find themselves in physically and mentally abusive relationships. The truth of the matter is that sometimes boys are just bad. When they behave in an unsavory manner towards girls, they should be punished accordingly so that they learn early on, what respect is.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m aware that such a small statement isn’t going to immediately change my daughter into a doormat, but what negative effects it has on her mindset, I may never know. You have to wonder if that’s why your friends, or even yourself, have dated a douchebag or two. I know I certainly have, and who knows why. Is there a chance that it’s because from the time we were in diapers we were told that a guy will sometimes express interest through various douchebag methods?

That day that I picked my daughter up from school, I decided that she wasn’t going to grow up thinking that it’s okay to get pushed down on the playground. After scolding the school yard monitor for being a little clueless, I returned home with my daughter and made it clear to her that if she is ever touched in a physical manner, that she should feel free to wallop the little bugger. I want my daughter to always feel like she is in control of a situation, especially in a world where we have not eradicated bullying. I came to the conclusion that she needs to have the tools to protect herself if she’s ever in a situation where she feels threatened in any way.

In the city where I reside there are two different, and yet equally strong, programs that teach children self defense. Mady’s Martial Arts has a fantastic karate program and Hybrid Training Academy Inc. works with kids in an anti-bullying program that includes Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.  There are probably similar programs in the city where you live, so check it out.

Either way, my daughter will at least know that boys who hurt her don’t deserve her attention, and at the end of the day, she will know how to deal with the one’s that get a little too handsy.